Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
