Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
