yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
