So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Randomize
