is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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