I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
