She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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