All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
