I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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