You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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