Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
