I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
not ubering you a puppy
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
