The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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