Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
