Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
