It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
not ubering you a puppy
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
