I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
