I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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