there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
