yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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