And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sorry about my life...
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
