y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
