I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
