it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
