I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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