She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
