Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
