Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
