There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
