omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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