im six kinds of drunk right now
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
send nudes
from the living room?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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