Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
pop tarts are not kleenex
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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