he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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