Sry I called you an 8
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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