We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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