The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
