dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
