Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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