You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Randomize
