You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
