dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
