Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
