btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
