I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
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