I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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