Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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