while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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