I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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