My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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