yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
